The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage

 I’ve been wondering how it’s possible my wife, Nita, and I have remained married for over fifty-two years. Especially, given our conspicuous differences. Then it hit me. Together we make a dynamite team.

To apply a metaphor coined by the American author and educator Stephen Covey, think of marriage as an iceberg with its modest tower of ice atop a tremendous mass hidden below the surface. The tower represents the personality ethic while the metropolis below depicts the character ethic. 

Personality is what everyone sees. When a couple says they fell in love on first sight, they’re talking about personality: good looks, a striking pose, a confident manner.

Character—that great mass below the surface—represents the emotional and moral qualities of the marriage. The couple’s character is measured by their depth of integrity, loyalty, and trustworthiness. Compared to the personality ethic, the character ethic is vastly more important.

Here’s the upshot: I’ve always been good at the personality ethic. I know how to charm, how to put on a show, how to create, and how to make sure everyone sees me in the best light—with my eyes shining and my smile ready to bowl them over.

But I could be better at the character ethic—a lot better. That’s where Nita shines. She is slow to anger, reluctant to vilify, quick to empathize, and loyal to the core.

So, there you have it. I won’t say together we make a single world-class human being; that would undercut our respective humanity. Consequently, I never discredit Nita for having a reserved personality ethic; nor does she discredit me for—ahem—having a shaky character ethic. What I will say is together we make a damn good marriage. And I’d like to think we’re both better for the union—I know I am.